rhonda13000 (rhonda13000) wrote in latetransition,

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50 Year Old Gal, Here

In May of 2005, I made a dispassionate, coldly rational decision to die.

I had tried EVERYTHING in a vain and futile attempt to remediate and eradicate a savage unknown foe of the mind, which had tortured me incessantly for over 40 years.

I just...didn't have a clue; I could not identify the savage, unrelenting beast which resided in my mind, driving me mercilessly to do things which...I did not understand.

I did not feel insane nor psychotic, nor did I consider myself 'homosexual' (in reference to the phenotypical), yet I was driven to do...certain 'things' which superficially could be perceived as 'homosexual'.

But in reality, it was not. There was another explanation for this, but I had no idea what it was.

But on the day in May of 2005, I decided quite rationally that there was no logic in continuing to exist, in the context of a persistent agony which I now knew would never leave me.

Somehow intuitively, I knew that my pain would only gradually worsen as I aged; later on, I learned that GID does INDEED, worsen with age.

Yet another cogent reason to end it all.

And then, on that very same day I found an article on the Internet relative to transsexuality--and I was shocked. It read like a biography; EVERYTHING was finally explained...

I understood why my life had gone the way that it did...and then I knew what I had to do.

And I write these words from the perspective of a woman who is well on her journey towards the true...and it has not been easy.

It has nearly been fatal, on a number of occasions...

It has been a journey of true renaissance, a journey of the MIND,

A re-vitiation of the total being.

I have been told by a number of sisters and one therapist that, for me to have survived as long as I have, at THIS level of GID, is nothing short of miraculous.

Indeed. And I am still here.
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